I’m Real

I don’t have the life I dreamt of

Sitting in my room as a girl.

I don’t have that life and I doubt I ever will

But I’ve taken something sweeter still

All of the stories I have to tell

I don’t have the perfect body

Every day the mirror finds a flaw

I don’t have the perfect abs

Most days I feel I look “blah,”

But it’s not my eyes or my jaw

Or the size of my bra 

That will draw in all your awe

It’s my life and my heart

The biggest you ever saw

Not sure if this is a poem or a song, but it’s in my heart.


Raging Justice Boner

FeaturedRaging Justice Boner

Storytime kids, gather round. If you enjoy raging justice boners and laughing, strap in, because this is a good’un. I wish I could put what just happened in my resume.

So I was just at a park circling in a big loop to hit all the pokestops when I saw a young woman sit down with her newborn on a nearby bench and began to breastfeed him. I couldn’t help but smile at how adorable they were and how happy she looked, then went back to catching endless goddamn Murkrows and Hoothoots, as you do.

As I was making my way back round, I watched as this absolute swamp donkey of a woman with a pink visor, green crocs, and a haircut that needed to be released back into the wild made a B-line for the mother and her infant, as if it were 5am on Black fucking Friday and Walmart just opened the doors. Just how aggressively she approached them instantly made my protective-maternal-spidey-sense alarms go off.

This troglodyte barely reaches the mother before she starts pointing in the mother’s face and screaming things like, “You are absolutely disgusting, what is wrong with you? There are children nearby, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for doing that in public, you must’ve not been raised right, that baby is going to be so messed up when he gets older, you cannot….” ….and that was all I heard, I almost literally blacked out from such an immediate, intense level of rage. I seriously have never gone from 0 to seeing red that quickly in all my life. This poor mother looked so startled and clearly had no idea what to do, so I made my own goddamn B-line and dropped the mic on this bitch so hard that I was worried my boner would rip through my jeans. So I walk up and it basically goes something like this (according to what I remember and the accounts of nearby witnesses afterwards):

Me: Hey, just so you know, you’re sexualizing a woman who’s feeding her child, you probably need therapy. You need to walk away.

Bitchface McGee: *stares at me blankly, in shock* Excuse me? Sexualizing??

Me: Yes, sexualizing. This woman is just trying to feed her hungry infant – you know, something women have been doing since the literal dawn of time – and you’re telling her that it’s disgusting because you can partially see a body part whose sole biological function is for exactly what she’s doing. You’re gross and you should be ashamed of yourself. Leave. Now. Seriously.

Whorebag McTwatter: Um, I wasn’t even talking to you bitch, mind your own fucking business, besides, she shouldn’t be—

Me; REALLY?? Mind MY own business? You literally just walked up to a total stranger with vomit-inducing self-importance just to let her know what your shitty opinion was and that you were judging her. Like you seriously thought your feelings on how some person you’ve never met lives her life was SO important that you had the right to come over here and spew runny diarrhea from your mouth for everyone within 50 feet to hear. YOU mind your own business, get the fuck out of here.

Jizzrag O’Cunty: *stares blankly, confusion rage intensifies* There are children here! This is a public park, this is not an appropriate place for her to do that! I–

Me: *rage intensifies* And ONE of those children was fucking hungry and needed to eat. If you feel uncomfortable seeing a woman breastfeeding, look away from her and into a good therapist. And since we’re doling out unsolicited advice here, YOU should feel absolutely ashamed of yourself and should probably just never talk about anything ever again. Nobody comes up to you just to tell you that your face is offensive and inappropriate for children’s eyes even if they should, because normal people have a shred of empathy. Eat a bag of dicks. Leave her alone, just walk away, go. Skadoodle.

Slampig LeHogbeast: *gets in my face* What did you just say to me, you bitch?

(Emma doesn’t deal well with people getting in her face. At this point, I completely stopped thinking about what was coming out of my mouth.)

Me: I’m sorry, let me speak up for you. What I said was that I might need to go grab one of those bags of dogshit out of the trash can and sniff it like I’m huffing glue to stop myself from vomiting after having to stare so long at someone who looks like a bridge troll hate-fucked a dead horse. I only got involved because your voice was giving me cancer and looking at your shovel-face seemed like the lesser of two evils.

Brown-Bagger Betty: *horrified look, mouth agape, frozen in shock*

(At this point, a group of people nearby are listening and giggling hysterically since her initial screaming caused a scene. The mom is still feeding her baby and looking down at him, smiling ear to ear. Loch Ness continues to stare at me blankly, not saying anything.)

Me: Nobody cares what you think, you don’t matter, nobody is listening to you, your opinion is invalid. Next time you get the urge to tell someone how to live their life, don’t. Go home, put on your Enya CDs, take off your toupee and your merkin, and go stare at a blank wall for while to fully process how badly you just embarrassed yourself. All of these people are going to go home and tell their friends a funny story about this pork roast of a muppet they saw at the park yelling ridiculous shit at a total stranger about breast feeding her baby because she was angry that her own tits dangle in the water whenever she shits. Leave.

*keeps staring at me* *I give her time to leave, she doesn’t*

Me: LEAVE. Move. Andale. Fucking vamonos. Bye. BYE. You lose. Go home, make your salisbury steak lean cuisine and complain about me to your friends on tumblr.

And then, with a crowd unabashedly laughing in her face, she mumbled something and walked away without another word. I apologized to the mother immediately for the scene and for my language, but that I lost my temper a bit because of how completely over the top the sea cow was. She told me not to apologize, thanked me for intervening, and that the only reason she didn’t lay into her was because she was exhausted and so flabbergasted by what this woman was saying that she literally just couldn’t think of anything to say.

Then the group of people nearby came over to high five me and asked me to repeat some of the insults I had used. I couldn’t remember all of them, but thanks to them recalling the conversation back to me like they were quoting a movie, I’m able to give a pretty accurate account of exactly what was said. Apparently, the whole toupee/merkin bit and the ‘bridge troll hate fucked a dead horse’ lines were killers. Aside from getting to verbally assassinate this lady with no consequence and to maximum effect, the best part was one of the guys actually writing down “pork roast of a muppet” so he could use it later.

So much victory, I’m literally just pacing around with how happy I am that I got the opportunity to tear her apart with probably the wittiest insults I’ve ever come up with at once. I just wish one of my friends had been there to see this all go down, it was fucking popcorn-worthy. So satisfied right now. Justice boner achieved.


Morals of the story:
1) Mind your own fucking business.
2) It’s time to get over feeling uncomfortable about women feeding their newborns in public when they need to, and
3) It pays off to have an SAT-level vocabulary of profanities and insults.